Here is a sample of the script we do – especially fun
in that an amenable male guest, with the briefest of rehearsals, is selected to
act the part of the health inspector, and we’ve had some extraordinary results
(it helps that he is holding his script as if referring to his report):
Health inspector: These premises do not come up to the standard required by
this authority. Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no
alternative but to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee
of the council – specifically, the lack of proper cleaning routines: dirty and
greasy filter; greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer; dirty, cracked and stained
food preparation surfaces; dirty, cracked and missing wall and floor tiles;
dirty, marked and stained utensils; dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the
ventilator hood...
Basil Fawlty: Yes, about the deep fat fryer...
Health inspector: ...inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in the same trays, storage of raw meat above the confectionery with consequent dripping of meat juices onto dairy products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box un-defrosted, and refrigerator overstocked...
Basil Fawlty: Yes, yes, say no more.
Health inspector: ...em, food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area; dirty and grubby food handling overall, lack of wash hand basin - which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have installed at our last visit, six months ago - AND two dead pigeons in the water tank.
Basil Fawlty: Yes, about the deep fat fryer...
Health inspector: ...inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in the same trays, storage of raw meat above the confectionery with consequent dripping of meat juices onto dairy products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box un-defrosted, and refrigerator overstocked...
Basil Fawlty: Yes, yes, say no more.
Health inspector: ...em, food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area; dirty and grubby food handling overall, lack of wash hand basin - which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have installed at our last visit, six months ago - AND two dead pigeons in the water tank.
Basil Fawlty:
Otherwise O.K.?
Sybil Fawlty (in our version: Oh, BASIL – you TOLD me you’d
taken care of the pigeons . . .)
The especially humorous thingk to me is that – except for the
dead pigeons – almost every one of these scenarios is very close to the truth about
what is really in evidence on any ordinary day at the Richmoor Hotel. From the
very first time I heard it, I couldn’t help but think, ‘can’t you see?!’ Are they
really that oblivious? We ARE Fawlty Towers!’ And then to bring attention to
the obvious . . .
About every other day or so Loraine shouts in the direction of her children (who are asleep or otherwise not listening), ‘I can’t LIVE like this!’ and then, the kettle having erupted, goes right on living JUST ‘like that.’ * * * Got snapped at a couple times myself. As Becky and I were leaving for good, Loraine apologized to me. I said it was alright – I understood. And I do – and hold no ill will. Stress does things to people – and there’s plenty of that at the Richmoor Hotel.
Photos_
1- Come in - welcome to the Richmoor!
2- timely visit from the health inspector
3- Basil with ‘Basil,’ the name Manuel gives his pet
[Tomorrow, Monday, February 27, my sister, Becky,
arrives in England for 10 days – meaning that realistically, there will definitely
be NO chance for chronicling our experiences – to be continued at a later date.
For now, Bee in Britain is going on hiatus. Cheers!!]
